Saying No

When I was in high school, I was like any other teenager.  I thought I deserved everything.  I remember numerous fights and arguments with my parents when they told me I couldn’t do something.  Fast forward a couple years to my first semester of college.  I was talking to my dad one day and I remember telling him how grateful I was that he and my mom did have the back bone to tell me no.  It is so important that parents are willing to be the “bad guys” sometimes in order for their children to understand their place.  I’m the 6^th of 8 kids so as my parents have gotten older, they have not been as strict and I’ve definitely seen the way that has affected my two younger brothers.  They have absolutely no respect for my parents and do whatever they want, even when my parents ask them not to.  I loved the quote that Richard Miller shared from Joe J. Christensen in Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families.  He said,

“Do not be afraid to set clear moral standards and guidelines. Be sure to say no when it is needed. As Dr. John Rosemond counseled: “Give your children regular, daily doses of Vitamin N. This vital nutrient consists simply of the most character-building two-letter word in the English language––‘'No’ . . . Unfortunately, many, if not most, of today’s children suffer from Vitamin N deficiency. They have been over-indulged by well-meaning parents who have given them far too much of what they want and far too little of what they truly need.” (2008)

It frustrates me to see my younger brothers disrespect my parents and it is even more frustrating that my parents seem to do nothing about it.  It’s easy to say that I will do things differently when I become a parent, but I honestly have no idea what it’s really like to be in the position that my parents are in right now. 

Intimacy in Marriage

I really appreciated the readings for this week.  I grew up in a home where sex was never mentioned.  Ever.  Not that I knew nothing.  I grew up on a cattle ranch so I knew where babies came from.  It just drove me crazy that my parents never talked about anything.  Then, fast forward a few years to being in young women’s, all that ever got talked about was how sex is bad.  I know that counsel came from a place of love, but it did anything but help.  I really loved what Brent A. Barlow said in They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage. 

“Why does something so beautiful sometimes become a source of so many problems? Part of the difficulty stems from mistaken ideas. Some people still believe that sexual intimacy is a necessary evil by which we have children. These people get an inaccurate view from parents who were too embarrassed to discuss such matters with their children or who were so concerned that their children live the law of chastity that they taught only the negative consequences of the improper use of intimacy.” (1986)

Growing up the way I did has helped me to see ways I want to do things differently when I have a family.  It is important to discuss with your children both sides of intimacy.  The blessings that come from using it the way God intended, as well as “the improper use”.  It is important to give children a healthy view of sexuality rather than have it be viewed as a subject that isn’t discussed.  It will help them in their future marriages to be more willing and comfortable discussing intimacy with their spouses. 

Another quote that I loved from Brent A. Barlow said,

“We believe in it inasmuch as we know of the sorrow that comes from the inappropriate use of sexuality outside the realm of marriage. We are acutely aware of what the prophets, past and present, have warned in these matters. As Alma declared to his son Corianton, “Wickedness never was happiness.” (1986)

I have seen the sorrow that comes in lives of people close to me, as well as in my own life.  Satan is so good at blinding you to the consequences that come from being intimate with someone outside of marriage.  He makes you feel like there is no way things can ever be right again.  But there is.  The Atonement of Jesus Christ is that way.  Kenneth W. Matheson said, “The Savior’s Atonement not only has the power to cleanse us but also to change and purify our hearts.” (2009)  I am eternally grateful for the cleansing and healing power of the Atonement.

Charity

In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard quotes C.S. Lewis.  He says,

“When I come to my evening prayers and try to reckon up the sins of the day, nine times out of ten the most obvious one is some sin against charity; I have sulked or snapped or sneered or snubbed or stormed. And the excuse that immediately springs to my mind is that the provocation was so sudden and unexpected: I was caught off my guard… [Yet] surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of a man he is. Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth. If there are rats in the cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly. But the suddenness does not create the rats: it only prevents them from hiding. In the same way the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man: it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am. The rats are always there in the cellar but if you go in shouting and noisily they will have taken cover before you switch on the light. Apparently the rats of resentment and vindictiveness are always there in the cellar of my soul.” (p 113-114, 2009)

This quote hit me really deeply.  I definitely needed it at this time in my life.  When I broke up with my boyfriend at the beginning of the semester, I was not the funnest person to be around.  I will admit that I sulked, snapped, sneered, snubbed and stormed on a daily basis.  I was upset and I took it out on the people around me (mostly my family).  Most of them didn’t really know the details of the situation so they just thought I was being a horrible person with no reason.  The relationship was destined to fail from the beginning, but I was too hard hearted to listen to what Heavenly Father was trying to tell me.  I completely ignored the promptings he was giving me and because of that, the relationship went down a path of destruction. 

I’m glad I went through this experience because it helped me to better understand how much my Heavenly Father really does love me and want what’s best for me.  It also helped me realize that I still have a lot of growing and improving to do in my life.  I was ready to marry the guy I was dating.  I had no idea how hard things could get because we weren’t on the same page about a lot of really important issues.  Another quote that I loved from Goddard’s book said, “It is my view that most of us have misunderstood the purpose of marriage. It is not a picnic with friends. It is more like a college education with occasional joys, lots of growth, and abundant homework.” (p 119, 2009)  Marriage isn’t easy and I’m so glad I’ve learned the things I’ve learned throughout the course of this semester to better prepare myself for the future.  It is so important that we seek to have charity and learn to love others the way that Christ loves them.

Anger and Forgiveness

In his talk, Agency and Anger, Lynn G. Robbins said,

“He made me mad.” This is a phrase we hear, implying lack of control or agency. This is a myth that must be debunked. No one makes us mad. Others don’t make us angry. There is no force involved. Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!” (1998)

This quote hit me really hard when I read this talk.  We have a choice in every situation we’re in to either be positive and cheerful, or to be negative and angry.  No one can make us mad.  It’s hard to control our emotions all the time and sometimes we may feel very justified in our anger.  Elder Robbins also said, “

“In Matthew 5, verse 22, the Lord says: “But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment” (emphasis added). How interesting that the phrase “without a cause” is not found in the inspired Joseph Smith Translation, nor in the 3 Nephi 12:22 version. When the Lord eliminates the phrase “without a cause,” He leaves us without an excuse. “But this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away”. We can “do away” with anger, for He has so taught and commanded us.” (1998)

We don’t ever have an excuse to be angry.  Jesus Christ was the perfect example of this.  He was beaten, betrayed, and accused, but he never got angry.  Most of us won’t face such extreme situations in our lives but it can still be hard to be humble and willing to endure through the times when we feel attacked or betrayed.  Elder James E. Faust said in his talk, The Healing Power of Forgiveness, “Hatred retards spiritual growth.” (2007)  When we are so focused and preoccupied with our hatred or anger toward someone, it is hard to feel the spirit and to feel close to the savior.  In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman said,

“For a marriage to go forward happily, you need to pardon each other and give up on past resentments.  This can be hard to do but is well worth it.  When you forgive your spouse, you both benefit.  Bitterness is a heavy burden.”  (p 159, 2015)

I can testify that forgiving someone blesses you more than it blesses the person you are forgiving.  No one is perfect and we will all be angry sometimes.  It’s important to be willing to turn to the savior in humility and allow him to help you to overcome those feelings.

Pride

Learning about pride this week couldn’t have come at a better time for me.  As I was studying the talk, Beware of Pride, from Ezra Taft Benson, there were multiple times where I found myself reflecting on my own life and the thoughts I have towards others.  Towards the beginning of the talk, Ezra Taft Benson said, “The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.”  It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.”  This quote really hit me.  I find myself looking through social media seeing posts from my friends and all I can think about is how I’m jealous of the things they have.  I had a plan for my life when I was in high school, and let’s just say that that plan hasn’t exactly come to pass.  I’m happy most of the time, but there are times when I let my pride get the best of me and I become an angry, bitter person.  When I notice myself going down the destructive path of self-comparison, I try to turn to God for strength to overcome that pride.  I loved the quote from Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage where Goddard said,

“the quality of emotions we experience is different when we are faithful and humble as compared to when we live without faith and with the kind of arrogance that makes us independent of God." Turning to God in faith and repentance is the cure for pride and self-centeredness.” 

It is so important to turn to God rather than feeling like we don’t need him.  It is absolutely necessary in marriage to turn to God when you are going through difficult times rather than be arrogant and feel like you don’t need his help.  I also loved where President Benson said, “Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in other but is rarely admitted in ourselves.”  It is so easy to point out the mistakes of others, but much harder to accept criticism and correction from others.  I am so grateful for the gospel and for the incredible gift of the atonement that allows us to receive the strength we need to overcome our weaknesses. I know that when we are humble and willing to turn to Christ, we will be much happier.  I loved what Goddard had to say about humility and repentance.  He said,

“Many of us grew up dreading humility and repentance. They felt like an unhappy encounter with humiliation. But, as we mature spiritually, we come to recognize humility and repentance as heavenly blessings. We cast off the tattered ways of the natural man and put on the robe of righteousness. It is sweet.” 

Distractions

There are so many distractions that we face on a daily basis that affect the way we connect with the people around us and whether or not we turn towards them or away from them.  In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman said, “Very often, couples turn away from each other not out of malice, but out of mindlessness.”  No couple is perfect and no relationship is perfect but if we work to prevent distractions from causing mindlessness in our relationships, I believe that our relationships will become stronger.  One of the main distractions that I have noticed in my relationships, as well as in the relationships of people around me, is technology.  Technology can be a huge blessing.  It makes our lives much more convenient, but it also has become a form of crutch for many people.  For example, last semester, there were some issues among some of my roommates.  One of them called an apartment council but I already had plans that night.  I was extremely frustrated, but I managed to shuffle around my schedule so that I could make it to the meeting.  Things started getting heated and I pulled my phone out and completely zoned out.  Gottman said,

“Sometimes couples unconsciously use devices as self-distraction during marital conflict… Instead of leaving the room or changing the subject when a delicate marital issue arises, he or she may just shift attention to the ever-present cell phone or tablet. In such cases, the device is enabling turning away.”

I believe this is applicable to all conflicts, not just marital conflicts.  Unfortunately, I used my phone as a way to avoid the conflict that was going on around me.  It didn’t get me out of facing it, it simply made things worse.  It is a much better option to face our conflicts head on with humility and a willingness to work things out, rather than try to avoid them.  When we try to solve problems with the people closest to us, it helps to strengthen our relationships and encourages us to turn towards each other.  I think that it is important to remember to also keep God at the center of our lives as well as at the center of our relationships.  If we are actively seeking to follow Christ, we will have more humility and love in our hearts.  I love the quote that H. Wallace Goddard shared from Ezra Taft Benson in Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage.  He said,

“When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities. We should put God ahead of everyone else in our lives.” 

It can be hard to remember this at times, but I have seen the blessing that have come when I had God at the center of my life and I have experienced the pain and heartache when he wasn’t at the center of my life.

Relying On God

Throughout the past several weeks, the idea of getting married has gotten increasingly terrifying to me.  Breaking up with my boyfriend and trying to reevaluate my life has caused a great deal of confusion to enter into my mind.  My entire life, I have wanted to be a wife and a mom, but as I’ve done all of the reading for the classes I’m taking this semester, I can’t help but feel nervous! The world today has such a different idea of marriage from what we are taught in the gospel.  It is hard to not be discouraged when you hear the ever-rising divorce rates and all of the things that will be faced in marriage. 
 In Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard said, “When we feel hopeless, lost, and desperate, we should call upon Father. In return we, like Adam and Eve, will be shown the path for our journey Home.”  
We must rely on Heavenly Father to give us the faith and courage to press forward, even when life is hard, unsure, and scary.  This principle has helped me a lot in my life, not just at this time, but many times when I have struggled to know what I need to do with my life.  God really knows what is best for us and he ultimately wants us to be happy and to return to live with him again, even if we have to face extreme hardships in our mortal lives. 

As I was reading The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, I was surprised by some of the examples that Gottman shared to illustrate his points.  The many examples of couples who live together but know very little of each other’s daily lives is appalling.  His examples really helped me to see the importance of developing a strong love map.  In order to avoid letting the struggles that you will face in your marriage tear you and your spouse apart, you must a have a strong and detailed love map.  Gottman said, “From knowledge springs not only love but the fortitude to weather marital storms. Couples who have detailed love maps of each other’s world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflicts.”  Knowing details about your spouse allows for greater love and meaning in your relationship.  I’m grateful for the knowledge that I have gained so far from taking this class.  When I do eventually get married, I think I will be better prepared than I would have been otherwise.