Charity

In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard quotes C.S. Lewis.  He says,

“When I come to my evening prayers and try to reckon up the sins of the day, nine times out of ten the most obvious one is some sin against charity; I have sulked or snapped or sneered or snubbed or stormed. And the excuse that immediately springs to my mind is that the provocation was so sudden and unexpected: I was caught off my guard… [Yet] surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of a man he is. Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth. If there are rats in the cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly. But the suddenness does not create the rats: it only prevents them from hiding. In the same way the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man: it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am. The rats are always there in the cellar but if you go in shouting and noisily they will have taken cover before you switch on the light. Apparently the rats of resentment and vindictiveness are always there in the cellar of my soul.” (p 113-114, 2009)

This quote hit me really deeply.  I definitely needed it at this time in my life.  When I broke up with my boyfriend at the beginning of the semester, I was not the funnest person to be around.  I will admit that I sulked, snapped, sneered, snubbed and stormed on a daily basis.  I was upset and I took it out on the people around me (mostly my family).  Most of them didn’t really know the details of the situation so they just thought I was being a horrible person with no reason.  The relationship was destined to fail from the beginning, but I was too hard hearted to listen to what Heavenly Father was trying to tell me.  I completely ignored the promptings he was giving me and because of that, the relationship went down a path of destruction. 

I’m glad I went through this experience because it helped me to better understand how much my Heavenly Father really does love me and want what’s best for me.  It also helped me realize that I still have a lot of growing and improving to do in my life.  I was ready to marry the guy I was dating.  I had no idea how hard things could get because we weren’t on the same page about a lot of really important issues.  Another quote that I loved from Goddard’s book said, “It is my view that most of us have misunderstood the purpose of marriage. It is not a picnic with friends. It is more like a college education with occasional joys, lots of growth, and abundant homework.” (p 119, 2009)  Marriage isn’t easy and I’m so glad I’ve learned the things I’ve learned throughout the course of this semester to better prepare myself for the future.  It is so important that we seek to have charity and learn to love others the way that Christ loves them.

Anger and Forgiveness

In his talk, Agency and Anger, Lynn G. Robbins said,

“He made me mad.” This is a phrase we hear, implying lack of control or agency. This is a myth that must be debunked. No one makes us mad. Others don’t make us angry. There is no force involved. Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!” (1998)

This quote hit me really hard when I read this talk.  We have a choice in every situation we’re in to either be positive and cheerful, or to be negative and angry.  No one can make us mad.  It’s hard to control our emotions all the time and sometimes we may feel very justified in our anger.  Elder Robbins also said, “

“In Matthew 5, verse 22, the Lord says: “But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment” (emphasis added). How interesting that the phrase “without a cause” is not found in the inspired Joseph Smith Translation, nor in the 3 Nephi 12:22 version. When the Lord eliminates the phrase “without a cause,” He leaves us without an excuse. “But this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away”. We can “do away” with anger, for He has so taught and commanded us.” (1998)

We don’t ever have an excuse to be angry.  Jesus Christ was the perfect example of this.  He was beaten, betrayed, and accused, but he never got angry.  Most of us won’t face such extreme situations in our lives but it can still be hard to be humble and willing to endure through the times when we feel attacked or betrayed.  Elder James E. Faust said in his talk, The Healing Power of Forgiveness, “Hatred retards spiritual growth.” (2007)  When we are so focused and preoccupied with our hatred or anger toward someone, it is hard to feel the spirit and to feel close to the savior.  In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman said,

“For a marriage to go forward happily, you need to pardon each other and give up on past resentments.  This can be hard to do but is well worth it.  When you forgive your spouse, you both benefit.  Bitterness is a heavy burden.”  (p 159, 2015)

I can testify that forgiving someone blesses you more than it blesses the person you are forgiving.  No one is perfect and we will all be angry sometimes.  It’s important to be willing to turn to the savior in humility and allow him to help you to overcome those feelings.

Pride

Learning about pride this week couldn’t have come at a better time for me.  As I was studying the talk, Beware of Pride, from Ezra Taft Benson, there were multiple times where I found myself reflecting on my own life and the thoughts I have towards others.  Towards the beginning of the talk, Ezra Taft Benson said, “The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.”  It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.”  This quote really hit me.  I find myself looking through social media seeing posts from my friends and all I can think about is how I’m jealous of the things they have.  I had a plan for my life when I was in high school, and let’s just say that that plan hasn’t exactly come to pass.  I’m happy most of the time, but there are times when I let my pride get the best of me and I become an angry, bitter person.  When I notice myself going down the destructive path of self-comparison, I try to turn to God for strength to overcome that pride.  I loved the quote from Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage where Goddard said,

“the quality of emotions we experience is different when we are faithful and humble as compared to when we live without faith and with the kind of arrogance that makes us independent of God." Turning to God in faith and repentance is the cure for pride and self-centeredness.” 

It is so important to turn to God rather than feeling like we don’t need him.  It is absolutely necessary in marriage to turn to God when you are going through difficult times rather than be arrogant and feel like you don’t need his help.  I also loved where President Benson said, “Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in other but is rarely admitted in ourselves.”  It is so easy to point out the mistakes of others, but much harder to accept criticism and correction from others.  I am so grateful for the gospel and for the incredible gift of the atonement that allows us to receive the strength we need to overcome our weaknesses. I know that when we are humble and willing to turn to Christ, we will be much happier.  I loved what Goddard had to say about humility and repentance.  He said,

“Many of us grew up dreading humility and repentance. They felt like an unhappy encounter with humiliation. But, as we mature spiritually, we come to recognize humility and repentance as heavenly blessings. We cast off the tattered ways of the natural man and put on the robe of righteousness. It is sweet.” 

Distractions

There are so many distractions that we face on a daily basis that affect the way we connect with the people around us and whether or not we turn towards them or away from them.  In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman said, “Very often, couples turn away from each other not out of malice, but out of mindlessness.”  No couple is perfect and no relationship is perfect but if we work to prevent distractions from causing mindlessness in our relationships, I believe that our relationships will become stronger.  One of the main distractions that I have noticed in my relationships, as well as in the relationships of people around me, is technology.  Technology can be a huge blessing.  It makes our lives much more convenient, but it also has become a form of crutch for many people.  For example, last semester, there were some issues among some of my roommates.  One of them called an apartment council but I already had plans that night.  I was extremely frustrated, but I managed to shuffle around my schedule so that I could make it to the meeting.  Things started getting heated and I pulled my phone out and completely zoned out.  Gottman said,

“Sometimes couples unconsciously use devices as self-distraction during marital conflict… Instead of leaving the room or changing the subject when a delicate marital issue arises, he or she may just shift attention to the ever-present cell phone or tablet. In such cases, the device is enabling turning away.”

I believe this is applicable to all conflicts, not just marital conflicts.  Unfortunately, I used my phone as a way to avoid the conflict that was going on around me.  It didn’t get me out of facing it, it simply made things worse.  It is a much better option to face our conflicts head on with humility and a willingness to work things out, rather than try to avoid them.  When we try to solve problems with the people closest to us, it helps to strengthen our relationships and encourages us to turn towards each other.  I think that it is important to remember to also keep God at the center of our lives as well as at the center of our relationships.  If we are actively seeking to follow Christ, we will have more humility and love in our hearts.  I love the quote that H. Wallace Goddard shared from Ezra Taft Benson in Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage.  He said,

“When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities. We should put God ahead of everyone else in our lives.” 

It can be hard to remember this at times, but I have seen the blessing that have come when I had God at the center of my life and I have experienced the pain and heartache when he wasn’t at the center of my life.

Relying On God

Throughout the past several weeks, the idea of getting married has gotten increasingly terrifying to me.  Breaking up with my boyfriend and trying to reevaluate my life has caused a great deal of confusion to enter into my mind.  My entire life, I have wanted to be a wife and a mom, but as I’ve done all of the reading for the classes I’m taking this semester, I can’t help but feel nervous! The world today has such a different idea of marriage from what we are taught in the gospel.  It is hard to not be discouraged when you hear the ever-rising divorce rates and all of the things that will be faced in marriage. 
 In Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard said, “When we feel hopeless, lost, and desperate, we should call upon Father. In return we, like Adam and Eve, will be shown the path for our journey Home.”  
We must rely on Heavenly Father to give us the faith and courage to press forward, even when life is hard, unsure, and scary.  This principle has helped me a lot in my life, not just at this time, but many times when I have struggled to know what I need to do with my life.  God really knows what is best for us and he ultimately wants us to be happy and to return to live with him again, even if we have to face extreme hardships in our mortal lives. 

As I was reading The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, I was surprised by some of the examples that Gottman shared to illustrate his points.  The many examples of couples who live together but know very little of each other’s daily lives is appalling.  His examples really helped me to see the importance of developing a strong love map.  In order to avoid letting the struggles that you will face in your marriage tear you and your spouse apart, you must a have a strong and detailed love map.  Gottman said, “From knowledge springs not only love but the fortitude to weather marital storms. Couples who have detailed love maps of each other’s world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflicts.”  Knowing details about your spouse allows for greater love and meaning in your relationship.  I’m grateful for the knowledge that I have gained so far from taking this class.  When I do eventually get married, I think I will be better prepared than I would have been otherwise. 

Overcoming the Natural Man

Mosiah 3:19 says, “For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.”

One of the great tests of mortality is to overcome the Natural Man.  When I think of the “natural man” I think of characteristics such as selfishness, anger, lust, pride, and disobedience to the commandments.  All of these characteristics can be extremely detrimental to relationships, both romantic and friendships.  I have seen how these character traits have torn apart couples who started out their relationships very strongly.  It is all too easy to get lazy and start to let the natural man take over.  In John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he talks about the “4 horsemen of marriage”.  The 4 horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.  All of these things are characteristics of the natural man.  Satan tries so hard to get us to give in to the natural man tendencies to be self-centered and prideful as well as to criticize others.  He knows that if he can get you started down the path of wickedness by doing small, seemingly insignificant things, it will be much easier to tempt you later on. 

When we don’t allow natural man tendencies to become prevalent in our lives and align our lives with what God wants for us, we will be blessed.  In a BYU devotional in October 2017, Elder Carl B. Cook of the Seventy said, “Blessings do come as we submit our will to Heavenly Father, and the more fully we submit our will to Him, the richer the blessings will be. They may not be the blessings we expect, but they will always be the blessings we need.”  Working to submit our will to the will of God will be a constant daily battle.  I have seen in my past relationships how not submitting my will to the will of God set me up for failure.  I tried to talk myself into doing things that I knew wouldn’t bring me happiness in the long run, but I really wanted them now!  That is another characteristic of the natural man.  The natural man seeks instant gratification without thought of the consequences that may come.  I know that as we seek to overcome the natural man, our lives will become more focused on God and our relationships will improve.  Overcoming the natural man will not be instant and it will take work and a lot of time, but it will be well worth it in the end.

Eternal Marriage

Since I was little, I have been taught that I should always strive to be sealed in the temple to a worthy priesthood holder.  As I have gotten older, this has continued to be a very strong desire in my life.  I’m going to get real here for a minute and share something that is very personal.  I recently ended a relationship with a man that I really did love.  He was extremely important to me and we had grown very close.  He had my engagement ring and was ready to propose to me.  I was prepared to say yes to him.  The thing is though, we weren’t going to get married in the temple.  We both made some choices throughout the course of our relationship that we needed to talk to our bishops about.  I’m not saying that I am perfect in this situation, but I went straight to my bishop while he did not.  Eventually, he decided that he didn’t care about changing and ultimately that is why I broke up with him (although there is more to the situation).  It was (and still is) extremely hard but I know I made the right choice. 

As I’ve reflected on the choices I’ve made in the past months, I have been surprised at the amount of influence I have let Satan have in my life.  In his talk, Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan, Elder Bednar said, “Satan works unremittingly to confuse understanding about gender, to promote the premature and unrighteous use of procreative power, and to hinder righteous marriage precisely because marriage is ordained of God and the family is central to the plan of happiness. The adversary’s attacks upon eternal marriage will continue to increase in intensity, frequency, and sophistication.”  The end is what really stood out to me, “The adversary’s attacks upon eternal marriage will continue to increase in intensity, frequency, and sophistication.”   I have experienced this in my own life.  I was tempted in ways that I never thought existed.  Satan knows what he is doing.  He has a lot of experience.  We MUST do all that we can to fortify our lives against the attacks of the adversary. 

While breaking up with this man that I loved was extremely hard, I know that ultimately, it would have been harder to raise a family with him because of his lack of commitment to God.  I want my children to be raised to love God and I want to have a husband who will be my equal partner in teaching them.  I loved how Elder Bednar used the example of the “marriage triangle” in his talk.

This has become an important principle to me.  I know that if a husband and wife are both devoted to God and continually strengthen their relationship with Him, they will be able to grow closer to each other as well.  It is so important that husbands and wives are equal partners in a marriage, and each is willing to give 100% to making the marriage work.  I know without a doubt that when we put God first in our lives, things really do work out the way that they are supposed to.  I’ve had to learn this the hard way throughout my life but I know that it’s true.